Sunday, March 25, 2012

from my deepest depths

Dear Friend,

  I am writing to you because it is raining and I didn't expect it to rain but I know it will stop so I just want to remember that it is raining and I bet you do too.  In fact, I should be happy that it is raining but I'm not, because I know it will stop and that my life will go on. Right now, my life is a blur. But I still have time to be indifferent to my friends and them to decide that I am a third wheel and that they, are going to be mean(to me). I didn't mean to get myself in this situation but I guess it just comes with growing up. So I'm writing to you in this pagan journal knowing that my "friends" will always be "fair weather" friends and that girls are weird. I'm trying to sort my feelings out but whenever I'm on the verge of a collapse, I go to school on Thursdays and see boys. And all my feelings lock up inside me in my deepest depths. I've also learned that your family and God will always stick with you, forever, because they are cool like that and friends aren't. In fact, so called "Christian" "friends" don't act like they are Christians, yet you're with them anyway. I wish people other than me would recognize the stupidity of these people. But alas, only me. So I'm stuck here writing to you, telling you that girls suck and that boys have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

guess who

a entry from my journal

Monday, March 12, 2012


Annabel Lee

"It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea."

- Edgar Allan Poe

After reading this poem I thought it embodied the april 2012 teenvogue photoshoot, "dreamworks". The models wore long, lacy dresses that looked like they could be from the Virgin Suicides movie. And they sat in rowboats by the sea while their hair billowed in the breeze. There faces expressed boredom, contentment, and friendship. It was beautiful. It really reminded me of the Virgin Suicides. I remember when I first read the book...

After deciding the most impossible choice of eating an Oreo or a pop tart, my world crumbled. I had so much homework, my friends annoyed me, and I had a six hour rehearsal. My life sucked. As my soul was being sucked of all the happiness it could find I stumbled into the deep oblivion of depression. I lay in my bed. Wondering if this happened to normal girls my age. I scoured the local library and found The Virgin suicides. I was going to read this book because I saw great reviews on it. I didn't know it would be this good. The girls just seemed to connect to me(HAHAHAH I AM SUCH A NOOB) (even though it was from a boys perspective) and while suicide is not right at all it was so beautifully written that after I finished it I stared at my blank wall for hours. I decided I MUST, MUST, MUST, get myself some beautiful lace dress in memory of Cecelia and her strange ways. So go read the book! GO WATCH THE MOVIE. It's like a work of art! And believe me, after reading/watching the virgin suicides you will want to wear a billowing lace dress and run in the dandelion fields.

I like that.